I like lists. I live and die by my To-Do Lists, and when I don't use them, my less-than-perfect organized life falls apart. But after reading the chapter "Things I Don't Do" from Shauna Niequist's "Bittersweet", I'm thinking about my "To-Do's" a little differently...

I realize that I've been writing a lot lately about my discoveries from reading Shauna Niequist's Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace and Learning the Hard Way. If this is not your thing right now, don't worry. I'm sure I'll be coming back with some thoughts on single-hood and such, soon! :-) But, for the time being, if you'd like, come along with me on my journey. 

It takes a lot for me to underline ANYTHING in a book, partly because I hate to disturb the pristine pages, if I'm honest. But this particular chapter found me underlining something in every other paragraph of Niequist's chapter, Things I Don't Do. The title jarred me at first, wondering where on earth she would go with this. It turned out that her insights resonated with me in a way that caught me completely off guard. 

I'm a self-professed people-pleaser. I desire harmony in everything that's around me, and I will kill myself (metaphorically, of course!) to ensure that harmony takes place. And so enters the neverending To-Do List. And so I instantly identified with the author on her journey of people-pleasing, be-the-best-you-can-be endeavor. 

What struck me in this chapter is how Niequist found herself one day writing the words in all-caps, DO EVERYTHING BETTER, on one of her to-do lists. I will confess that I've never physically done this before; but man. How many times have I thought this, in my day-to-day living? How many times have I endeavored to "be all things to all people"? 

I've been discovering, throughout this particular season of my life, that I can't be everything to everybody - at least, not in a healthy manner, or without sacrificing my health. And for a self-professed people-pleasing harmony-seeker, this is often soul-crushing for me. And this reality hit me especially, last summer, after a crazy few weeks of late-night office-dwelling, countless drives back and forth to camp, nights with less-than-ample sleep, and absolutely no healthy self-care or downtime, that I was crashing and burning, in every sense of the word. My emotions and moods were way out of control, I was super-edgy and tense, and every time I dropped the ball on something, I launched into days of beating myself up because I couldn't measure up. Today, I am very thankful for a friend and mentor who took me by the shoulders and helped me realize the very unhealthy and dangerous road I was on, and would continue on, if I didn't get some help. Turns out, that was very close to the point where I would embark on my journey of weight loss, making healthy lifestyle choices, and allowing God to grow and change me daily, from the inside out, through personal writing and reflecting, allowing myself to take time and truly rest and devote time to connecting with my Savior, and through seeking the support of those who struggle with the very things that I do. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago, shy of four months. 

So Niequist has challenged me. She talked at length about her own personal discovery of "Things I do" and "Things I don't do": 

Niequist then went on to give a very honest and vulnerable list of the "Things I Do" and "Things I Don't Do". And she talked about the freedom she experienced when she was really honest about the things that she "doesn't do", the things that don't come naturally to her, and maybe even the things that are not necessary for her to do. I have to tell you, even as I read her list, I myself felt an immense amount of freedom for the author. 

But what about me? Am I brave enough to be honest about the things I do, and moreso, the things I don't do? Phew. That's a toughie for me. But I also want to experience the freedom of knowing that I am not perfect, but a beautiful work in progress. The words imperfect progress have very much been a theme in this leg of my journey. And, if I'm really, brutally honest, I've tried to be so many things to so many people for so long, that I think I've lost sight of the things I do, and the things I don't do. 

But I'll take a step forward, towards discovering, being honest, and experiencing freedom. 

So, here we go...

Things I "Do":

I do love my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and I want to be more and more like Him. I try to devote my life to following Him, as much as I possibly can. I still struggle with things like daily devotions, consistent and personal prayer (although I love to pray for others, any chance I get), tithing (which I'm getting much better at), and probably other things. But I'm committed to learning and growing in my relationship with Him. 

I do music. I love making music with others, especially in worship settings. Music ministers to my heart in a way that nothing else can. I find an immense freedom in being able to lift my voice in song or sit at the piano and create melodies, completely unstructured and raw. I am so thankful that God gave me this beautiful and special gift. 

I do love writing. Blogging over the past month has been an incredible outlet of self-discovery and self-expression for me. I've fallen back in love with it. As a child, I loved reading and writing poetry, which I imagine is fueled by my love of music. As an adult, I have recently discovered journaling and blogging to be a large part of how I process and digest information. 

I do love people. Despite my raging introverted personality, I just love being around people, particularly friends and family. I've discovered in my ministry that I love working with nursery and elementary aged children. I am fascinated by how they learn and grow, and I long to see them "just be kids" in a world that demands their maturity to expedite long before it ever should. And, because I work with at-risk kids, I see the need for all this to take place in a safe and nurturing environment. 

I do love my family, so very much. I've discovered especially how much I love my family, as I've spent the past four years living a few thousand miles away from them. I deeply miss the physical connection of having them close by. Despite difficulties, differing personalities, and maybe even heartbreaks, my family has my back, even when I've made poor choices, or when I've not always reciprocated that same support. Being part of the "Family of God" has taught me the importance of reciprocating that love and support, unconditionally, just as my many "adopted families" have done that for me. 

I do advocate discipleship, as Christians. I believe very strongly in the importance of strengthening the Body of Christ, so that we can be equipped to reach those in the world who are still lost and without hope. 

I do value quality time with others, deeply. I value the heart connections with others, the deeper questions and thoughts, sometimes shared over coffee, or across a desk, or at the altar on a Sunday morning. I feel honored when I get to come along side somebody, and walk their journey with them. Sometimes I ask the tough questions. Sometimes I listen. Sometimes I give an abundance of hugs and kisses on the cheek. But I love every part of this gift that God has given me. Even as I type those words, I feel my heart beat faster, and that affirms that this deep passion I possess.   

Things I Don't Do:

I don't do finances well. I never have. I am getting a little better at it, learning to budget better, practicing the discipline of tithing, and learning to be a better steward of what God provides for me. It's a work in progress, that will probably never be perfect. But it's a work in progress. 

I don't do balance well. I am extremely goal-oriented, and I can develop a singular focus on tasks pretty quickly. That works to my advantage when I have a project at hand that demands my full focused attention; but there is a disadvantage when it leads to my neglect of everything else around me. Again, it's a work in progress. I've had some great support from my officers on how to tackle some of these challenges, like using a calendar and setting reminders for myself. 

I don't do clean well. I just don't. I've always been a pretty untidy individual. That being said, as an adult, I have discovered how much my stress level goes up when my bedroom and my office (two places where I spend a lot of time) get out of control (tornado-level damage). Living with a roommate for the past few years has really helped me to get into cleaner practices, like keeping common areas clean, and washing my dishes consistently. To many, that's a natural bend...not so much for me. It takes some work for me. 

I don't do confrontation or approaching hard things well. Somewhere along the way of my life, I have developed an unhealthy habit of avoidance. I'm very happy to say that I'm getting better at changing this habit. It's hard, very hard. And it will never come naturally to me. But I want to be able to approach the tough stuff of life, rather than avoid it, with grace. 

I don't do being teachable well. I'm a naturally stubborn gal, and I really enjoy being right. But I am so very thankful for those in my life who have taught me to have a attitude of "teachability" (my dictionary is telling me that this is not technically a word, so I'm making it one.),d and have stuck around, even when I fought back tooth-and-nail. Because, despite how much I'd like to think I'm always right...turns out I'm not! :-) So I pray constantly for God to help me to remain teachable, to learn and grow. 

I don't do happy-go-lucky. I love to laugh, and I love to smile, but because of my melancholy and deep-thinking nature, it's not always a natural thing for me. So I tend to gravitate towards those who are a little more light-hearted and happy-go-lucky. Those special people in my life help me not to look at life so completely serious all the time. Many of them still love and admire my tender and deep heart; but they also remind me to live in the light a little, too. :-)

Wow. I'm not gonna lie. I do feel a real sense of freedom in releasing some of those things. Isn't it amazing how much freedom can be experienced, when you realize that you're not perfect? It doesn't mean that I ignore the things that I don't do, or that I only focus on the things I do. I just allow myself to live in that place of imperfect progress (just get used to the fact that you will see those two little words showing up a LOT in my blog!). 

And here's something I've discovered through this entry. Not everything comes naturally to me. There are things that are not my forte...but they're someone else's forte! Why have I spent all this time thinking that I have to be everything to everybody, when there are those in my life who have so much to offer to the world, as well? I'm sorry if that seems like a "duh" moment to many of you, but for me, this is a pretty huge revelation, and I know that it would be the same for many other people-pleasing be-everything-to-everybody individuals just like me. 

I am so thankful to God for wisdom, in this moment. And I'm thankful for the people He puts in my life, including authors like Shauna Niequist, who help me get outside my familiar ways of thinking, and see different perspectives. 

I'm telling you, friends: If you're going through a similar journey to myself, and you haven't picked up Niequist's book, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way, I would highly recommend that you do. 

Blessings.